The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for
two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
Submitted by Bob Waldman
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
Submitted by Bob Waldman
A family of mice were surprised by a big
cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away.
"What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's
why it's important to learn a second language."
Submitted by BH LEE
Submitted by BH LEE
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden
leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
(Try this one with your students the next time you are
teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.) So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very
sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech. The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
Submitted by: Adriana Luchetti
A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Submitted by Sean McLoughlin
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Submitted by Sean McLoughlin
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye
whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Submitted by: Irene Pellegrini
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Submitted by: Irene Pellegrini
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me!
Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to
say.
Doctor: Next please! Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico
Two boys were arguing when the teacher
entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A snail walks into a bar and the barman
tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks
him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman
"What did you do that for?"
Submitted by Steve
Submitted by Steve
A: Just look at that young person with the
short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day
at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you,
Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Submitted by Maria del Pilar Villlegas Martinez
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Submitted by Maria del Pilar Villlegas Martinez
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past
participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Submitted by Cláudia Almeida
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Submitted by Cláudia Almeida
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
Submitted by Joe, from Indiana
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
Submitted by Joe, from Indiana
A teenage girl had been talking on the
phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short.
You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl.
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for
something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Submitted by Mahmoud Zeidan
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Submitted by Mahmoud Zeidan
When I want to teach the coulors, I just
ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!" They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
Submitted by Maria Crisitna Codorniz
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the
bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Submitted by: Elise Owen, Dalian China
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Submitted by: Elise Owen, Dalian China
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Man: I could go to the end of the world for
you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Submitted by kara dolson
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb
in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Submitted by Jim Sperling
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Submitted by Jim Sperling
The real estate agent says, "I have a
good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."
The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)
English Student: I like it very much.
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)
"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to
have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)
"You look very funny wearing that
belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the
zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
Teacher: Do you have trouble making
decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
Student: Well...yes and no.
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The
mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told
their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be
bilingual!"
Submitted by Jeanne Ramirez
Submitted by Jeanne Ramirez
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the
verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
Submitted by: Mouhssin
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
Submitted by: Mouhssin
Father: What did you do today to help your
mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
A: Look at your face I know what you had
for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
Submitted by: Janekt Ho
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
Submitted by: Janekt Ho
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
Submitted by: Girish Chavan
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
Submitted by: Girish Chavan
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been
bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Submitted by: Rizwana Lahore Pakistan
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Submitted by: Rizwana Lahore Pakistan
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
Submitted by Kyle Jefferson
A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes
to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why
is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty. Submitted by Kyle Jefferson
Teacher: Did you father help your with your
homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that
another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked. "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
If big elephants have big trunks, do small
elephants have suitcases?
Submitted by lisbeth
Submitted by lisbeth
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
Submitted by Robert Kenneth Peter Kroeker - age 21
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
Submitted by Robert Kenneth Peter Kroeker - age 21
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even
more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the
window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder
and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the
wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :)
Submitted by Joan M. Diez Cliville
Submitted by Joan M. Diez Cliville
I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
Submitted by Eric Vadot
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
Submitted by Eric Vadot
"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
Submitted by Karen
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
Submitted by Karen
There is a California dude going through a desert. He's
wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's
having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs
and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at
each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what
a cool beach!!!"
Submitted by Robert Stadnik
Submitted by Robert Stadnik
In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Submitted by Daniel Fernando Rodrigues
One teacher said this to his students
before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
Man said to God --- Why did you make women
so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Submitted by Esmond Jones.
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Submitted by Esmond Jones.
This is a humorous "fake" news
items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of
1901.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)
Submitted by Barbara S.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)
Submitted by Barbara S.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Submitted by Pat Bacon
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Submitted by Pat Bacon
(For advanced learners... and teachers?)
Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"
Submitted by Walter F. Lockhart
Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"
Submitted by Walter F. Lockhart
Did you hear about the skeleton who walked
into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
Submitted by C. Keyes
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
Submitted by C. Keyes
1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter
who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?
Submitted by Leah Davis
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?
Submitted by Leah Davis
You can use this joke to explain that
insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing
for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you
think, Peter? Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
Submitted by George L. Washington
My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow
refuses to follow him.
Submitted by Jozef Karpat
Submitted by Jozef Karpat
"Do you know what really amazes me
about you?"
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
Submitted by The Clar (South Korea)
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
Submitted by The Clar (South Korea)
Why do we park our car in the driveway and
drive our car on the parkway?
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are
fog horns made of?
Submitted by r.d.
Submitted by r.d.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do
humanitarians eat?
Submitted by Shahirah
Comment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.
Submitted by Shahirah
Comment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.
A person who speaks two languages is
bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who
speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.
Submitted by H. Terrell
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.
Submitted by H. Terrell
A man receives a phone call from his
doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
Submitted by Anonymous
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
Submitted by Anonymous
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts
with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan
Two factory workers are talking. The woman
says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman : Who cares?!
(Use as an example of a sexist joke.)
Submitted by Tomoyuki Noda from Japan
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman : Who cares?!
(Use as an example of a sexist joke.)
Submitted by Tomoyuki Noda from Japan
What is the longest word in the English
language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
Submitted by: Kevin Penner
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
Submitted by: Kevin Penner
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the
map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
Submitted by: Kmankoolman
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
Submitted by: Kmankoolman
A Scotsman who was driving home one night,
ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to
apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The
Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on
the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Submitted by: Anonymous
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Submitted by: Anonymous
A man was pulled over for driving too fast,
even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Submitted by: Nick Henry, ESL teacher in Korea
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Submitted by: Nick Henry, ESL teacher in Korea
What are the three quickest ways of
spreading a rumour (or gossip).
- Telegram
- Telephone
- Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the
times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
Submitted by: Dave & Brendan
EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase "politically correct" and discuss it.
Submitted by: Dave & Brendan
EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase "politically correct" and discuss it.
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a
day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
Submitted by: Anonymous
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
Submitted by: Anonymous
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on
elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
"Am I the first man you have ever
loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
When I was young I didn't like going to
weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Submitted by: Chris Fisher
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Submitted by: Chris Fisher
A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
Submitted by: Genti Biraci
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
Submitted by: Genti Biraci
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and
sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
Submitted by: Anonymous
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
Submitted by: Anonymous
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Submitted by: Freshteh Sadeghi
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Submitted by: Freshteh Sadeghi
Fred is 32 years old and he is still
single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
An elementary school teacher sends this
note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe
everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe
everything your child says happens at home.
Submitted by:
Willaim Greaves
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano
after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
Submitted by: Fred
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
Submitted by: Fred
Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer
player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)
Submitted by: Jillian H.
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)
Submitted by: Jillian H.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts
with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew
Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
Submitted by: Zeinab Eltayb
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
Submitted by: Zeinab Eltayb
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with
one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
Submitted by: Emily Mileski
(If you don't know what Limp Bizkit is, see the results of
a Google search for Limp Bizkit.) A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
Submitted by: Emily Mileski
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how
many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Submitted by: Matty
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Submitted by: Matty
This is a good one to follow the following
previously submitted joke.
A: What do you call a deer with no eyes? B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)
A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
Submitted by: Landa Eugene
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
Submitted by: Landa Eugene
Q: When does the (English) alphabet have
only 25 letters?
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)
Submitted by: George Hurlburt
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)
Submitted by: George Hurlburt
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only
has one letter?
A: An envelope.
A: An envelope.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
A: Wet.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't
come back?
A: A stick.
A: A stick.
Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.)
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.)
Q: What travels around the world and stays
in a corner?
A: A stamp.
A: A stamp.
Q: What is white when it's dirty and black
when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
A: A blackboard.
These need to be written.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes? A: A piiig.
Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
Q: What do elephants have that no other
animal has?
A: Baby elephants.
A: Baby elephants.
Depending on where you live, students will
enjoy this one.
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife? A: Mississippi.
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
Submitted by: Eric Stein A: Nothing, it just waved!
The First 3 Years of Marriage
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine."
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage
is the alarm clock.
Q: What happens when "you" and
"I" are gone?
A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)
Submitted by: Maria Zermani A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)
Riddles of Alphabet
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
Submitted by: Mubarak Abdessalami
This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke--
especially good for a class of native Spanish speakers. It also illustrates an
important gramatical difference between languages (genders of nouns).
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a
Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was
learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct
any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large,
purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect
with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a
teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es
feminina." The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."
Submitted by: Gary Cooper, Dallas, Texas
Q: What has many keys but can't open any
doors?
A: A piano.
A: A piano.
Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice.
A: 3 blind mice.
Q: Who earns money driving their customers
away?
A: A taxi driver.
A: A taxi driver.
The teacher speaking to a student said,
"Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"
Submitted by: Abu Jouri Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"
Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about
the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
Submitted by: Abu Jouri Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot
Submitted by: Mariana GÛmez A: A carrot
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State
Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
Submitted by: Submitted by: Ana
CarriÁo, Portugal A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
This is a riddle. It works well if you let
the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the
answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The
barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you"
replies the customer and walks out. What happened? A: The customer had hiccups.
I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.
Submitted by: Jenny Mitchell
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.(No-eye deer)
Submitted by: Pablo Ortega Ju·rez A: No idea.(No-eye deer)
ESL teacher: You must never begin a
sentence "I is ...".
Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".
Submitted by: Glenn JarrettClever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".
I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence.” It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: “To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.” It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: “Re-read this line.” Trouble is, I’m not as sharp as I used to be, so it’s become my favorite book to curl up with on a rainy day. It absorbs me for hours.
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”
Yeah, it has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
The bartender looks at him shaking his head and say “No, we don’t serve food here”
Q: How do electric eels taste?
A: Shocking!
Supplied by, Chloe Cook aged 10.
Q: What is Father Christmas's wife called
A: Mary Christmas!
Supplied by Amrik Gill, Manchester. aged 10.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Spice Girl with a Takeaway?
A: Egg Fried Spice!
Supplied by Matthew Nesbitt, Newton Abbey, aged 9
Q: Where do spiders play football?
A: Webley!
Supplied by Sandeep Herard, Birmingham.
Q: Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs!
Supplied by Jabeen Akhtan, West Yorkshire.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish?
A: Swimming Trunks!
Supplied by Samuel Long.
Q: What do you give an injured lemon?
A: Lemonade!
Supplied by Vikaash Patel, Leicester.
Q: Why did the boy take a pencil to bed?
A: Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
Supplied by Vinette Browne, Welwyn Garden City.
A: I can't tell you because you will spread it.
From, The Beeching's in Australia.
Q: WHAT DID THE LION SAY WHEN HE SAW THE KID ON HIS SKATE BOARD?
A: MEALS ON WHEELS
From, Jenny Cree.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea (no eyed deer)
From, TRom15@aol.com
Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken foot.
From, Andrew in Adelaide.
Q: Which side of a hen has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left?
A: None were left! All the rest were copy cats!
From, Elizabeth Clinton aged 9 in Brisbane, Australia.
Q: What part of grapes is most explosive?
A: Wine a mite!
From Brian Clinton in Brisbane, Australia
Q: Which meringues always come back?
A: Boomerangs
Q: Why did the cook hunt his eggs ?
A: Because he liked them poached!
Q: What is tall,sweet and french ?
A: The trifle tower!
From Frazer Clinton (the cricket fan)aged 10 in Brisbane, Australia
Q: Where were lemons first found?
A: In a tree!
Q: Where was the Queen of England crowned?
A: On her head!
From Elizabeth Clinton aged 8, Brisbane, Australia.
Q: What's black and white and green and black and white?
A: Two Zebras fighting over a pickle.
Q: What did one penny say to the other penny?
A: If we get together, we could make some cents.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had no guts.
Q: What did the snail say when he got a ride on a turtle?
A: WEEEEEEEEE.
From: Jimmy Stigers age 10, Chico, California.
Q: Why did the mummy go to jail?????
A: becase he had a bum wrap!!!!!
From Megan
Q: Simon can you spell yourname backwards?
A: nomis!
From Laura Ody age9 Swindon.
Q: What do you call a cammal with three humps?
A: humphy!
From Connie.
Q: What did the glove say to the ball?
A: Catch ya later! lolololol
From Tyler Dow age 7 Niagara Falls Ont.
Q: How do you stop fish from smelling?
A: Cut their noses off.
From Kevin.
Q: What's black and white?
A: a newspaper!
Q: what time do you go to the dentist?
A: tooth-hurty!
From Butch.
There was a French man, English man and a stupid man.
The French man caught a rabbit, so the English man said:
"How did you catch it?"
The French man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I caught a rabbit."
So then the English man caught a moose, and the stupid man said:
"How did you get that?"
The English man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I caught a moose."
Then the stupid man comes back and the French man and the English man said:
"What happened to you.?"
The stupid man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I got hit by a train!!!!!!!!"
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